i used to send pieces of stnd poetry, to a friend writer that lives in NY, in case he could publish me one day... i found one piece from over a year ago, it is not fiction. if you see closer at the picture(usually the series of stnd poetry come w/a picture) you can see some veins; and behind the camera, the bones did show, as well... oh hell! --------------------------------------------------------------- last night got amazed by the transparency of my flesh my ten fingers’ own tissue, cartilages, capillaries, little tubes the veins even the sturdy bones were translucent!
i was reading this japanese abe with a light over my head the little lamp’s so intense with that sort of beam that burns the some-hair left on your tired head sometimes too warm for the summer over-heats your brain anyway, all was ok
but then i extended my arm on top of my head in a stretching tired sign of my agedness the light behind my fingers’ flesh revealing plenty of veins and transparent lode of myself
last night i saw my fingers’ veins my internal touchable self
The life inside my head is a mess right now I feel that I have fallen in love with an impossible idea/man
When is correct to set limits to your own dreams? Shall I give up on this distant dream? every 5 minutes I think of it and I don’t want to kill a love that just starts to flourish But sometimes I feel like I am the only side interested Every day I try to come out with ideas and movies And things to call your attention But I guess I am boring and my comments are lately, Overlooked
I just wanted to have fun! to follow a flow of comments back & forth and share ideas but I am not part of that game not sure if it's the language or the hours, or that I am just... boring, and a bit dark but I am the loner commenter, no flow or follow up no exchange of ideas very nice words and thank you(s) those do come always but feels like an obligation more than exchange of fun I am just not very interesting after all
and... if the love & interest is just on my side That I can’t control I can’t control if someone feels excited to read my comments or lines or notes A long time ago and painfully I learnt that in love are involved 2 people And you can’t control the desires and feelings of another person (And gladly)
I just crave again some company (not just from a friend, thank God I have plenty of friends, but...) Not even the arms anymore I miss but but But a simple phone call Oh well… can you blame a woman for wanting to listen to the voice of the loved one? For wanting to have a fun chat? or exchange of ideas? how are you supposed to get to know someone? for at least 5 minutes per month? oh well... I don't think I was asking for too much anyway Loneliness and silence seems to be the reply to my answer to my Romanticism and love that apparently is too much...
But instead of lamenting more I did something impulsive tonight! And healthy impulsive
I finally enrolled the YMCA! And in spite of this strong head and heart aches And went there for the first time tonight! sadly my head still hurts
I have never used a treadmill before! Yes I am an old-fashioned woman I rather walk the streets but… not tonight I was a sort of a funny sensation, that treadmill… And after a fast walk combined with jogging of 45 minutes I felt a little dizzy when I came down the machine The way you feel after taking a long flight on a plane Or have been riding on a train for hours
And here this little video so old and disco and silly to celebrate my joining to the YMCA And to the gay people too heh heh such a gay and slightly 'ridicule' song but fuck it!!! nobody seems to be reading this blog lately anyway so I can write or post as silly things as I like to... That I might join soon the gay people?, since my luck with men is so bad!!! I might just date a girl now!!! or a guy from the Village People, ha! Just kidding… the indian chief is kind of cute, but I bet he hasn't wash the feathers of his indian hat in years! and they are all so gay, that I don't think they'll find me a bit attractive I will just play with the dizzy treadmill I might loose some depression and weight on the process and tomorrow is my office Christmas party and I don't really want to be there but I have to... faking smiles that I don't feel right now maybe some co-workers and alcohol will make me forget that I actually have a soul and heart that feel broken...
Young man, there's no need to feel down. I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground. I said, young man, 'cause you're in a new town There's no need to be unhappy.
Young man, there's a place you can go. I said, young man, when you're short on your dough. You can stay there, and I'm sure you will find Many ways to have a good time.
It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a. It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a.
They have everything for you men to enjoy, You can hang out with all the boys ...
It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a. It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a.
You can get yourself cleaned, you can have a good meal, You can do whatever you feel ...
Young man, are you listening to me? I said, young man, what do you want to be? I said, young man, you can make real your dreams. But you got to know this one thing!
No man does it all by himself. I said, young man, put your pride on the shelf, And just go there, to the y.m.c.a. I'm sure they can help you today.
It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a. It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a
our lives are so beautifully fragile some days I feel like am just a leaf hovering along thin air it is a mysterious awareness, this freedom fearful might be sometimes but blissful while comprehending you are alive
Life could just end like that Or… Life could just smile at you easily Out of a miracle Full of love and surprise
Life is a time quest
Who told me this? "You are what you do with your time in your life"
Write, write, write? You are writer (no matter they haven’t publish you yet) click, click, click? A photographer (no matter if your photos are that good or not) think, think, think? A thinker (hopefully a righteous one) smile, smile, smile? then you are fine… or crazy, but that works, anyhow
And today I spent some of my time Reading this interesting & engaging non-fiction book So far page 299 and I can’t wait to finish it Thanks again miss d for the recommendation! And Erik Larson for writing it
The stories of the development of 1893’s Chicago’s World Fair and an American serial killer Holmes are tangled in this engaging and compelling story of the horrors and delights of human nature… and it all happened, not even that long ago (about 113 years), if you think globally, they were all our human fellows in Chicago, not that far either, the same planet & species… read the story, you won’t regret it The Devil in the White City
i will call this day the eggnog day because thanks to the home-made eggnog with rum courtesy of my neighbors, today i did absolutely nothing! but to drink the eggnog and to start this new knitting project ... i wish every year ending will bring days like this more often
i haven't knitt in at least 15 years but this weekend, out of the blue, i started again! i found some yarn in a box and the needles and just started making this scarf above i started this on saturday and it might be done tonight i was surprised that i still remember well enough
for a year i knitted a lot, i made a couple of sweaters, 2 dog's sweaters, and many many (many) scarves, those are easy & fast some gloves, but those with no fingers, just one big bag for the 4 fingers and a couple of socks, those were popular too not sure why i enjoyed it... maybe the weaver in me? it is a very mechanical yet relaxing activity, perfect while watching movies on the television
image: to decompress from computer-time at work, more computer at home, miss the colors at work...
Today was one of those days With a fine assorted display of many emotions Almost all of them at once
At work We are in the middle of a tight deadline Late working hours & stress is the dish of the day But today… in the middle of the rush One of the nicest co-workers I have and a rather interesting woman Just faint In the middle of a hallway Just like that…
The paramedics came Even the firemen And they took her amidst display of medical apparatus And men in blue & white
She’s fine now Yet… the episode was one of those That make you put on perspective Your own path of life
Mine That is My little life Is a pretty plain and uncomplicated one I have some health issues, but nothing major I have no real economic issues, although I am broke At least I don’t have a debt to pay off And my family is OK over all
I am a lonely person, even if a social one But when I was a child I spent many hours by myself and still do I don’t know much about living with anybody around and I don't know nothing about living with a man either I just lived once with a boyfriend for 7 months a long ago and was hell, but he was the problem... I know that! heh heh And I had a roommate but that’s different My dad lived with my mom and myself just until I was 7 years old So men world is a mystery to me those things the use to shave and their houses full of men stuff I have mostly lived surrounded by women all my life and everything that comes with them maybe to grow up surrounded by women made this highly emotional being that I am maybe all this romanticism comes from my world with many women and not any practical men around
And yeah maybe I just miss sometimes a couple of strong arms And a charming and protective smile of a nice man besides me Some support and nice gentle caress while saying to my ear: All will be OK But I have some hope of that, not now, for the next spring that is If things go all well & OK from now to then and if after the meeting the magic is still on, I really hope so...
So I am fine after all Yet today… The presence of death so close makes one recall The little things that might be important in life That, the first one Life itself
And I wonder if I haven’t been selfish with myself lately as all my friends say, not giving myself a chance I don’t go out much lately or enjoy myself as I did in the old days All, again, in my life seems fine yet a routine feels is settling down around me I work work work then I e-mail e-mail e-mail later i eat eat eat and take photos photos photos chat chat chat sleep sleep sleep just and all over again, week after week and yes, it feels like something is missing Not sure what… maybe it is because your strong arms are so afar? Not sure
But sadly, happiness still seem pretty glandular to be able to get a hold of The natural chemicals in my brain come and go Natural seratonin from my own brain is what I crave for Maybe exercise will bring it back Who knows?
I just don’t want to one day to die suddenly and With regrets of what I could have done And didn’t do Like spending all this time alone Writing in a computer when I could probably be talking to a real human across a table now, interesting, because I never before thought of that, but I have no intentions to just go out and do that, not right now, next spring I will, but the table I have choosen to talk is damn pretty far! That’s why I try to feed at least once a day, and that gives me some joy but the real touch, a nice strong hug, pretty far from getting now and that makes me a little sad tonight makes feel lonely which I usually don't feel since I enjoy solitude I guess not tonight.. but This little hope that has grown stronger and hopefully will be nicely feed back
Yep, still, happiness seems pretty glandular And even if content, I cannot say I am screaming of happiness Not today, and maybe not in a while
To be in love again To smile and laugh with the loved one Hasn’t happened to me in years Maybe 2007… maybe in the spring… huh?
tonight will be another strange night thinking of the co-worker and the fragility of life a thread that might be broken such a delicate matter is being alive!
but good night and good wishes of health for all my friends To accomplish whatever you look for in your life you need to be healthy and alive Don’t forget then, to breath tonight
In the meantime I do silly The silliest projects like this blog And I record silly things from TV Like this soccer narration of a guy that is as lazy as I am every morning Heh heh Here the 1st part I recorded in 3 parts so I include the links for part 2 and 3
So while we find love, friendship, and a real sense of achievement, happiness… Or at least the perfect drug to make forget those values exist (heh heh) Let’s laugh with the silly movie…
