Monday, October 15, 2007

(Sittin' On) The Dock of the Bay

these days have been so strange
too many strange vibrations floating around
this October air

i miss my peace
and the warm space that forms
when you hold me in your arms

and i miss those summer days
and i wish i didn't have to go the Doctor
and i wish you weren't that far
and i wish i could, with you by my side
be Sittin' On The Dock of the Bay
like mister Otis Redding sings

watching the tide roll away
Ooo just sittin' on the dock of the bay
Wastin' time
but by your side, it won't be a waste

the annual Biopsy

life has cycles
and they do turn around
the good ones, and the bad ones too

this Monday morning
the reason of my whole stress
seems revealed!
i have been having little
panic attacks
and attacks of anxiety
and loneliness the whole weekend

and i wasn't sure why all this stress in my mind
this morning
my Google calendar reminder reads:
Gynecologist at 6pm
get ready for ovary biopsy

now i know why in the back of my mind
i have been so desperate and stressed
reaching reaching

and damn if i forget...
but no wonder around these days
in October i feel so alone
insecure and depressed

in October 2005
i was diagnose with "possible"
ovarian cancer...
thank God i was OK!
and i didn't have ovarian cancer
but this condition that made me feel similar
i still have the diverticulitis
and that's why i have to eat lots of fruit
and yogurt every morning
plus fiber and vegetables

but 2 years ago
on the 3 weeks that i was not sure of having cancer
i learn a lot of things about life
i learn to say the people i love
how much i love them
and not to waste time on being mad
'cause i realized life can go just like that
the sickness i suffer
has made me a humble woman
'cause one can buy everything
except the care of a true friend
except love
and health

those things you earn
those things you can't buy

any of us could die of a sickness
or in a car accident
or just stop breathing like that!!!
life is so fragile
nobody has bought us life
and maybe that's why i insist so much!
on being close and talking to the people i love
as much as i can keep in touch

i get this trauma back on 2005
some of my friends know about it
and some don't
this blog is full
of these maladies

and on today's little fear of the day
the hospital, the cleaning products
those surgical smells
and i think

and how sad, to leave this world
being mad to the ones you love
that's why i insist to write, to call...

still, every year
as a method of precaution
I most take the infamous biopsy
cause of the maladies of this mess i created...
an ovarian and cervical cancer biopsy
is mandatory for my medical insurance
since i was diagnosed with the condition before

and the biopsy itself
is not that much painful
just a pinch, a strong one!
but the nervousness that comes around
having to wear the hospital rope
and feel the cold instruments against your body
have to relaxed your body when you are the most
anxious and stressed and this time alone
on a hospital bed, is not fun...

these days and how i feel
so desperate and having to wait for the results
about a week, hoping all is OK still
is nerve-wrecking
even if i know i will be fine
every time you take a test
there's is the chance...

it was nice to talk to my mother last night
and i still didn't remember about the appointment
not last night, i just knew something was bugging me

a bit of hospital anxiety
the surgical smells again

but life is like that
just ironic
and plays on us the strangest games
on us...
just today,
i feel more lonely and desperate
and now for a real reason

but hey! i am a big girl
if i survived the big scary thing 2 years ago
and i survived migraines almost every month
and the diverticulitis pains then...

i will walk at 6pm straight into the little hospital
alone and holding my own hand
and for 1 or 2 hours i might be stressed there
and then the cold pinch, ouch!

but then i will come home
i will wait for my 10 days for the results
in peace
i am pretty sure i am fine
i have felt desperate but the health is better
these days

but now...
to work

to complete a gray mood
there is mild gray in san diego
again today

and now the call
and changed to 8pm!
who was an biopsy at 8pm?
crazy health care provider
i got...
at least they have a web-page...