Thursday, October 12, 2006

yes, panic attack and pizza

and a beer (new castle so it was good while it lasted)
and frustration
and i feel like a quirky old woman
and i am one!
and neurotic!
and every day seems harder
to socialize with live people
or with people

and people think i am nice
and i am simple
and i just wish many days
many nights
that i could disappear from my own existence

i had 2 cats once
but i changed countries
i had a dog once but she died

i had 2 beta fishes, same luck
now i am allergic to most pets
and to most company
as tonight has been felt

i just can't stop thinking of that
conversation with alex & lisa...

if humans (me included) could be less self-centered
and more educated, not educated as much as in "knowledge"
but in the kind of knowledge that teachs you how to be respectul
and tolerant, that kind of education

so as i resumed on the drunk conversation
the biggest problems of humanity:
ignorance and too much self-importance

some nights like tonight
i wish i could live alone in the woods
no escaping

stressed? no!
just freaking pure human crazy frustration
a diary of a miss-communication
or too much writing?
i wish i could get rid of this feeling
not sure where it came from...

Myself not that tonight well and it is always better when the only ones speaking are the buildings

and yes guess order word altering message
sorry if it is bad written
mechanical and in a hurry and:
the head state
bit or much of anxiety

the work, not done
i can't concentrate at work
for personal reason, for time accessibility
then i come home and think of work
what's due in soon
and the damn catalog

then the possibilities
and the ideas & my life and messages
and my own self always so unfinished
and not a symphony, precisly

i have always had trouble with time'

there is never enough of it
i am too slow
in some stuff
too fast in some other
times comes fast times goes slow
the opposite

gotta walk now thursday 7.30pm
to a close restaurant
to meet the recently 'fired' from work co-worker

i guess the expectation of the meeting
talking work and unemployment
dark old days reminders
of my own self-injustice (to self)
helps with this mood
stress ful
and of course the distance...

the "not-sure if we are talking about the same" sensation

just hope and enough of speculation
i miss you and that's just fucking frustration
oh so well for the blog swearing
a relief of stress -comes like a 'modern' declamation

blank stares
walk back -relief yet colder

i have never been good at guessing situations
or neither to portray instances too complicated

i guess because age and language personal have-to-if-live-here-want-to transformation
has thought me boldness that comes as...
another declamation?

i better walk now

as usual i am late
i have calculated
in 2001 i was 4hrs late general/average in my life

today comes to around 1.5 hrs late
tonight i will just be late to see susan, 15 minutes?
the life of a flake... progressing

tonight sounds like i might have a
panik attack]
and then
some pizza...
haven't been such a typical thursday in san diego
since 2003...