Wednesday, December 06, 2006

when happiness seems glandular

Today was one of those days
With a fine assorted display of many emotions
Almost all of them at once

At work
We are in the middle of a tight deadline
Late working hours & stress is the dish of the day
But today… in the middle of the rush
One of the nicest co-workers I have
and a rather interesting woman
Just faint
In the middle of a hallway
Just like that…

The paramedics came
Even the firemen
And they took her amidst display of medical apparatus
And men in blue & white

She’s fine now
Yet… the episode was one of those
That make you put on perspective
Your own path of life

Mine
That is
My little life
Is a pretty plain and uncomplicated one
I have some health issues, but nothing major
I have no real economic issues, although I am broke
At least I don’t have a debt to pay off
And my family is OK over all

I am a lonely person, even if a social one
But when I was a child I spent many hours by myself and still do
I don’t know much about living with anybody around
and I don't know nothing about living with a man either
I just lived once with a boyfriend for 7 months a long ago
and was hell, but he was the problem... I know that! heh heh
And I had a roommate but that’s different
My dad lived with my mom and myself just until I was 7 years old
So men world is a mystery to me
those things the use to shave and their houses full of men stuff
I have mostly lived surrounded by women all my life
and everything that comes with them
maybe to grow up surrounded by women made this highly emotional being that I am
maybe all this romanticism comes from my world with many women and not any practical men around

And yeah maybe I just miss sometimes a couple of strong arms
And a charming and protective smile of a nice man besides me
Some support and nice gentle caress while saying to my ear: All will be OK
But I have some hope of that, not now, for the next spring
that is If things go all well & OK from now to then
and if after the meeting the magic is still on, I really hope so...

So I am fine after all
Yet today…
The presence of death so close makes one recall
The little things that might be important in life
That, the first one
Life itself

And I wonder if I haven’t been selfish with myself lately
as all my friends say, not giving myself a chance
I don’t go out much lately or enjoy myself as I did in the old days
All, again, in my life seems fine
yet a routine feels is settling down around me
I work work work
then I e-mail e-mail e-mail
later i eat eat eat and
take photos photos photos
chat chat chat
sleep sleep sleep
just and all over again, week after week
and yes, it feels like something is missing
Not sure what… maybe it is because your strong arms are so afar?
Not sure

But sadly, happiness still seem pretty glandular to be able to get a hold of
The natural chemicals in my brain come and go
Natural seratonin from my own brain is what I crave for
Maybe exercise will bring it back
Who knows?

I just don’t want to one day to die suddenly and
With regrets of what I could have done
And didn’t do
Like spending all this time alone
Writing in a computer when I could probably be talking to a real human across a table now, interesting, because I never before thought of that, but I have no intentions to just go out and do that, not right now, next spring I will, but the table I have choosen to talk is damn pretty far!
That’s why I try to feed at least once a day, and that gives me some joy
but the real touch, a nice strong hug, pretty far from getting now
and that makes me a little sad tonight
makes feel lonely which I usually don't feel since I enjoy solitude
I guess not tonight.. but
This little hope that has grown stronger and hopefully will be nicely feed back

Yep, still, happiness seems pretty glandular
And even if content, I cannot say I am screaming of happiness
Not today, and maybe not in a while

To be in love again
To smile and laugh with the loved one
Hasn’t happened to me in years
Maybe 2007… maybe in the spring… huh?

tonight will be another strange night
thinking of the co-worker and the fragility of life
a thread that might be broken
such a delicate matter is being alive!

but good night and good wishes of health for all my friends
To accomplish whatever you look for in your life
you need to be healthy and alive
Don’t forget then, to breath tonight

In the meantime I do silly
The silliest projects like this blog
And I record silly things from TV
Like this soccer narration of a guy that is as lazy as I am every morning
Heh heh
Here the 1st part
I recorded in 3 parts so I include the links for part 2 and 3

So while we find love, friendship, and a real sense of achievement, happiness…
Or at least the perfect drug to make forget those values exist (heh heh)
Let’s laugh with the silly movie…



if you want to watch part 2 and 3 please click on links below
part 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_PIKTbq8Oo

part 3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WtqaLev3xfs
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