chuck palahniuk

this dark but brilliant writer
chuck palahniuk
has before, stirred some dark feelings
in my soul

tonight, i remember
two of his quotes

"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."
-Fight Club, 1996

"The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person."
-Invisible Monsters, 1999

the first quote
i wish i could restart my brain and my soul
i wish, like a computer,
i could wipe off all the memories
and install a new operating system

i feel like an older computer
maybe is my internal old windows xp
an outdate computer i am
maybe because windows vista is coming out
maybe because there is always a newer
and brighter computer than myself

maybe it is time to give up the old dreams
and just rest from this apprehension
that having dreams causes

somehow i got tired of this self-competition
of, as joseph posted, trying to fulfill somebody's
or my own expectations

i nicely give up, knowing that i gave all i could

the Buddhist principle
i will try to apply
the one of having lack of desire
no more expectations
no more desires for love nor glory
some dreams are better to give up

if you don’t want or expect anything
then peace will follow
a strange lonely freedom
not waiting for anything
not having hope anymore
refreshes tonight with a thin rain outside
and i smell this old loneliness of mine
coming back

half moon sunday

I haven’t been around this corner for a while
And I missed it

So much that tonight
I must come back

And as I stood outside
½ moon California sky
midnight Sunday
and the world goes around

I remember Joseph’s comment
And thank you!
Bukowski, & his spark
his poem & your comment has come back
to my head many times
And Clare’s words
Your always precious words
her poems her prose
And lisa’s comments, my beautiful friend
And your words outside here too
And thilo’s, aah!
And all the silent dear ones! That I know

And some of you
If you read again
I thank
And some faces I’ve seen
Some digitally
Some live
And the oldest one I know
In person I realized
Is Beto!
Mexico city
no doubt the most talented graphic designer I know!
proud to have worked with him!
Every day routine, musica
And the “hard rock café”
So it sounds like a cliché! Great
Ha!

So anyway

Many days have passed
And again this Sunday night
La luna
Me out for a smoke (ha!)
Since my tía visits and I cannot smoke inside

And many things have passed
The theatre
And I was happy again
And then sad
Happy, and sad again many times

But tonight
Is midnight and is Sunday
Night
And I stopped
Looked up and saw the moon
Ah!

She sleeps profoundly
As I type… my aunt
And I almost sure
These clacks clicks clacks
Of the cadence of the type
Are a cradle song for her

And for a change
All the lights of the house
Are out
Only the screen
Illuminates my face
As I type

The past memory of 3 seconds
Outside
Where I took
This blurry map
A map of another day
Another night
In a California
Southern
Night

I found the turn this time!
Just not sure
Why this bad photo I took
Shows a full moon
When in reality
It is just half…
But seems that so is life

a Déjà vu of late
And before visits
Of my aunt
silver screen computer
and words
write/type