das Abendessen in Ocean Beach

1. waiting, waiting, and more waiting



2. got it!



3. now just to find the pepper... and this is going to be so good!

3

my little corner of the world

this is where
from the shadows of my heart
i hide
and where the hopes of my days
rest alone

where i read
where i dream of the days to come
and
where sometimes i softly too cry
here is where i study and forget too

where i miss you
where i love you and think of you

this is my little corner
where besides the hopes
i keep some dusty plants
that in purple flowers shape
smile at me now & then

i have read many words here
and listened to the sound of hummingbirds
flying over my head
every day find a place to hide
in the outside



my little corner on this world
right on 34th Street
as i told you
on a muttered tired voice
on an missing-you-again lonely night

if you could one day
enter this private space
would mean
you have entered and stayed
in the most precious corner of my
heart and the garden of my soul
if you want to find out
what inside of me, is really about...

luz

there is always a little light ON
somewhere
if you look closer, if pay attention

recommended is to keep
your eyes and soul
wide open

some modest light
might come in
or out your senses

it nice when your receive the light
but sometimes even more fulfilling
is to give it...

there are lights flying all over
visual soulful frequencies
one just tune-in, smile at them softly
be humble
and catch them

tow away

Robert Frost and I want to lick Polly Jean Harvey's legs

sure! why not?
there are many things i would like to write about tonight
but i am too tired and a bit stupid
so... why not more quotes?
i let the word to one of my favorite
quote producers
poet and respected mister Robert Frost,

he said that...

"Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence."

and that...

"A poem begins in delight and ends in wisdom."

also he thought that...

"Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired."

and he wrote this little poem and many many more

Fire And Ice

Some say the world will end in fire;
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To know that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice...

oh what a man!
what mind and heart he had

if i could have a conversation with mister Robert Frost
but he's dead since 1963, and i don't think
he'd be as excited to talk to me anyway

i would like to keep on chatting/writing

but as old Frost himself would have said...

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

and m i l e s to go...
before I sleep


miles, he wrote
and being him North-American
then mister Frost's Metric
was in non-metric system
(i wonder who would understand this very silly joke)

and what better to go with Robert Frost
than a miss PJ Harvey s
this woman rocks!!
and can you get rid of her?
that red dress!
and
Lick my legs I'm on fire
Lick my legs of desire
ahhh

I’ll tie your legs
Keep you against my chest
Oh, you’re not rid of me
Yeah, you’re not rid of me
I’ll make you lick my injuries
I’m gonna twist your head off, see

Lick my legs I'm on fire
Lick my legs of desire

and if i were to be a gentleman
instead of a nice mexican girl ;)
then
to this woman i would
her 'in fire legs'
many times lick lick lick...
she rocks!
i saw her once live
at the Hollywood Palladium
one of my 1st times in Los Angeles
walking like a rock star
on golden stars all over
Hollywood Boulevard
about to see PJ Harvey

once you make it to LA
you are too a rock star!

end of Robert Frost and
Polly Jean Harvey's very lick-able legs

Ps. today i got my download for Radiohead's
In Rainbows
endlich! <-- (Wie gut ist mein Deutsch?)
i paid £2.45
http://inrainbows.com/

(Sittin' On) The Dock of the Bay

these days have been so strange
too many strange vibrations floating around
this October air

i miss my peace
and the warm space that forms
when you hold me in your arms

and i miss those summer days
and i wish i didn't have to go the Doctor
and i wish you weren't that far
and i wish i could, with you by my side
just...
be Sittin' On The Dock of the Bay
like mister Otis Redding sings

just
watching the tide roll away
Ooo just sittin' on the dock of the bay
Wastin' time
but by your side, it won't be a waste

the annual Biopsy

life has cycles
and they do turn around
the good ones, and the bad ones too

this Monday morning
the reason of my whole stress
seems revealed!
i have been having little
panic attacks
and attacks of anxiety
and loneliness the whole weekend

and i wasn't sure why all this stress in my mind
this morning
my Google calendar reminder reads:
Gynecologist at 6pm
get ready for ovary biopsy

now i know why in the back of my mind
i have been so desperate and stressed
reaching reaching

and damn if i forget...
but no wonder around these days
in October i feel so alone
insecure and depressed

in October 2005
i was diagnose with "possible"
ovarian cancer...
thank God i was OK!
and i didn't have ovarian cancer
but this condition that made me feel similar
Diverticulitis
i still have the diverticulitis
and that's why i have to eat lots of fruit
and yogurt every morning
plus fiber and vegetables

but 2 years ago
on the 3 weeks that i was not sure of having cancer
i learn a lot of things about life
i learn to say the people i love
how much i love them
and not to waste time on being mad
'cause i realized life can go just like that
the sickness i suffer
has made me a humble woman
'cause one can buy everything
except the care of a true friend
except love
and health

those things you earn
those things you can't buy

any of us could die of a sickness
or in a car accident
or just stop breathing like that!!!
life is so fragile
nobody has bought us life
and maybe that's why i insist so much!
on being close and talking to the people i love
as much as i can keep in touch

i get this trauma back on 2005
some of my friends know about it
and some don't
this blog is full
of these maladies

and on today's little fear of the day
the hospital, the cleaning products
those surgical smells
and i think

and how sad, to leave this world
being mad to the ones you love
that's why i insist to write, to call...

still, every year
as a method of precaution
I most take the infamous biopsy
cause of the maladies of this mess i created...
an ovarian and cervical cancer biopsy
is mandatory for my medical insurance
since i was diagnosed with the condition before

and the biopsy itself
is not that much painful
just a pinch, a strong one!
but the nervousness that comes around
having to wear the hospital rope
and feel the cold instruments against your body
have to relaxed your body when you are the most
anxious and stressed and this time alone
on a hospital bed, is not fun...

these days and how i feel
so desperate and having to wait for the results
about a week, hoping all is OK still
is nerve-wrecking
even if i know i will be fine
every time you take a test
there's is the chance...

it was nice to talk to my mother last night
and i still didn't remember about the appointment
not last night, i just knew something was bugging me

a bit of hospital anxiety
the surgical smells again


but life is like that
just ironic
and plays on us the strangest games
on us...
just today,
i feel more lonely and desperate
and now for a real reason

but hey! i am a big girl
if i survived the big scary thing 2 years ago
and i survived migraines almost every month
and the diverticulitis pains then...

i will walk at 6pm straight into the little hospital
alone and holding my own hand
and for 1 or 2 hours i might be stressed there
and then the cold pinch, ouch!

but then i will come home
i will wait for my 10 days for the results
in peace
i am pretty sure i am fine
i have felt desperate but the health is better
these days

but now...
to work

to complete a gray mood
there is mild gray in san diego
again today

-----
and now the call
and changed to 8pm!
who was an biopsy at 8pm?
crazy health care provider
i got...
at least they have a web-page...

die donut Krise

it has been a strange weekend
i felt in crisis many times
the past 2 days

out of the blue
and in the worst part of the day
when the night starts to crawl
that is when i feel the most lonely and sad

my mother called!
i told her a was a little melancholic
and little sad & blue
i did not tell her specific reasons
why i was sad
she knows i get sad no & then
and that's when i need my friends the most
so she didn't ask why
but she advised me!

she said...

daughter don't worry
you are not alone
you have your mom still
so go to the store and eat a cake
or something sweet to help your heart
feel happy again

i am 38
but i followed my mom's advice

i found a sweet pink donut
a really pink colorful one!
i thought, many colors!
if it has to cheer me up

a donut
is not a friend
and is not love
and cannot give you a hug
but tonight is all i have
a donut, and my mom
so
with a warm tea i will eat it
and try to sleep

and wait for a new week of work
and stuff...
for this life to go on...

again, another night
that i feel a little alone
but with a donut
might be all a little less bitter
and sugary

and sometimes
it is good to listen
the voice of your mom
that way you don't feel so desperate
so alone..

silence

there is a helicopter outside
it flies high

the birds sing
and light blue is again the sky

it is the mid-day
outside full of life

but i am not curious of the helicopter
nor of the birds
and i don’t find comfort
not even in the beautiful sky

no sun can warm up my heart

since you have chosen silence

all seems like a gray rock