Thursday, July 09, 2009

there goes the fear

today has been a bit of a strange day
the reminders of death linger in the air
again

i feel that i've never been one afraid of dying
i felt safe & secure while reaching the older age
and even if i enjoy life, i never was fearful
of leaving this world before, but now... and
lately, so many deaths have happened
all in this year, the fragility of life
more than ever reveals to me so evident
2009 has been such a deathly year!

to list in chronological order, to match
the title of the blog, my fish pet Kiyo,
my father, only 17 days later after seeing him,
my friend Tina's dad, my best friend's cat,
who was my friend too, Boa,
my friend Tina's dog Einstein
who i used to dog-sit for,
less related but shocking too
Farrah Fawcett, whose fan i was
when i was a very young teenager 'cause
the Charlies Angels TV series which I grew up with
and i washed my hair for at least 3 years with her
shampoo and c'mon!!!
even Michael Jackson dies!!
i am not a Michael Jackson follower
but his presence on the musical back of my life
was there, as it was on mostly every body who ever
heard his name, it made his name one of those
things that you took for granted
and i wrote in my Facebook acc (yes! i am a
Facebook added now...) i do have a couple
of favorite Michael Jackson songs

Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough
a masterful piece of funk and disco
my favorite Michael Jackson song!
i still think that Off the Wall is his best album
here a good review of the song
and he's so lovely in the video
he was a freaking good song writer!
along the line of Don't Stop 'Til...
i liked the starter of Thriller a lot
the freakish paranoid lyrics too
of Wanna Be Startin Somethin
aren't so pop at all
i can only imagine
how hard must to be to sing this fast
while dancing like that...

but anyway, i wasn't writing about MJ really
but so with all these deaths around
and after seeing a co-worker loosing her job today
unexpectedly, just as Jacko Wacko died,
the fear of dying climbs my spine cord
and even if, of course, i am afraid of what
happens on the after life, my fear is not so much
of going, but of what i leave behind
my fear is mostly driven 'cause of
the 2 wonderful furry cats i take care of!!
never before them i was afraid to die
i was even a little cocky when it came to talk about death
but now... i understand parenthood so much better!
i am afraid of dying 'cause without me, i am not sure
what would happen to the cats!

at 40, i am discovering feelings i never had before
i feel for once the responsibility of having
a creature depending on you, sure i grew up
with my lovely dog Filka, a medium size poodle,
lovely, fluffy, white... but being me a child, and
an adolescent at the end of her life,
well my mom took more care of her than myself
and i did have cats before in Mexico
who, sadly, i had to leave to move here, but
i guess i was younger, bolder, and self-assured
and a bit naive

i understand now fully how my mother always felt
while i was growing up
she used to tell me, that every night she prayed
for not dying before i came out of school
she was funny about it too
she said she started asking God
"please keep me alive at least until my daughter
finishes elementary school..."
later she modified the prayer:
"God please keep me alive at least until my daughter
finishes 'junior high' or 'secundaria' as we call it
in Mexico, later on she kept on praying
for not dying while i was a high-school
or before i had at least a Bachelors' degree
then she added to the list, as i grew older,
to not die before i got married,
or before i had a child

i think she gave up now on me getting married
and having children, but sure every day
she's around this earth i feel luckier to have her around
even if so geographically apart
dunno why, maybe 'cause there goes the fear again
but today i loved and appreciated a little more
every single person in my life...
'cause lately i've realized
how easy could be for any of them or I
to forget that little trick of
breathing in and breathing out
how easy this might be the last time
we look at the skies!

so i am every day more grateful
for being alive
and to cure the little fears
and scare away der old Angst
a song by the Doves
where i stole the title from



PS. and now i have to start
writing a Kitty-Will, ha!
and finding a guardian for the cats
for when i die, i guess that's
what responsible citizens do
for the ones they love
what a way to grow up
thanks to a couple of alley cats ;)
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