this dark but brilliant writer
chuck palahniuk
has before, stirred some dark feelings
in my soul
tonight, i remember
two of his quotes
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."
-Fight Club, 1996
"The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person."
-Invisible Monsters, 1999
the first quote
i wish i could restart my brain and my soul
i wish, like a computer,
i could wipe off all the memories
and install a new operating system
i feel like an older computer
maybe is my internal old windows xp
an outdate computer i am
maybe because windows vista is coming out
maybe because there is always a newer
and brighter computer than myself
maybe it is time to give up the old dreams
and just rest from this apprehension
that having dreams causes
somehow i got tired of this self-competition
of, as joseph posted, trying to fulfill somebody's
or my own expectations
i nicely give up, knowing that i gave all i could
the Buddhist principle
i will try to apply
the one of having lack of desire
no more expectations
no more desires for love nor glory
some dreams are better to give up
if you don’t want or expect anything
then peace will follow
a strange lonely freedom
not waiting for anything
not having hope anymore
refreshes tonight with a thin rain outside
and i smell this old loneliness of mine
coming back
4 comments:
I agree with you. I sometimes want to reset my brain and start from the beginning. :-) But I disagree with you about giving up the old dreams. But giving up nicely probably is a good idea. Sometimes giving up causes stresses as well to disappoint ourselves but if it is done nicely, it probably lead us to right direction. Is desire same as expectation? Staying in the temple a few nights really tells you about Buddhist principle. You might like it. It is really good. I have done it though I was forced to do, without doing it, I couldn't graduate from college in Japan. It taught me something.
Half true, half not true... Yes, when you don't expect anything from the world, then you won't get disappointed by it; and when something just appears without expecting it, out of the blue, then it becomes a nice surprise. That's true and I agree. In fact, that's my personal way to face human relations. But that idea of giving up on your dreams and your own expectations is a terribly wrong and can not come from a person I admire so much. It doesn't matter that those dreams haven't become reality yet, it's only a matter of time, patience, vision, perseverance and positive attitude. Never ever give up on your dreams. If that happens, then you are giving up on yourself. http://www.thesecret.tv/
oh beto & lisa
dunno what i would do without you guys! Thank you for reading all my silliness and being around
I agree with you both, on not giving up dreams, and you both know me pretty well! I am stubborn like hell and when I want something, usually takes me way more time than the rest of people to achieve it because I am slow, but I usually fulfill the dream ;) you Beto were the witness of one my last challenges, to move to this country, I think we were still working together when I started planning to move to USA, it took me a while to do it, but I am here now… where I met sweet Lisa… Lisa you have seen more my slacker phase, I think in San Diego I became lazier but I still try to do whatever I think is special… but I think for me the trick right now is not know what is correct to do! Is not that I want to give up on something I really want, is more that I am not sure if it’s a dream that is actually good for me or not… Please don’t be disappointed at me, if I find that it is worth fighting for something then I will, but sometimes it is more wise to give up, or probably the “give up” term is not the proper one but to “re-adjust” the dream… you know what I mean?
Gracias Lisa for the Buddhist advice, tonight I went again to the Kundalini yoga class and the meditation brought me lots of peace of mind, also I find my own ways to pacify myself! Ha!
So neat to see you guys are here… and Beto, I might visit you & your beautiful gal this year! If you are not busy, not threat but a suggestion, heh heh, I have a couple of friends in Seattle, you know them Lisa! Steph and Andrea, one is pregnant and other one just had a baby, so after the baby deal I would love to jump to see you & mrs. beto too!
I know what you mean. That is what I thought what you mean. I think we can't just dream something and not lead ourselves to that direction. Doesn't it sound familiar, those ladies who want get married but their life style don't lead them to that direction, or how about the students who tries to get A without studying. I think we just need to adjust our approach to our dream or maybe what we want to do. We are not dreaming of becoming a supermodel, you know. Sometimes having a dream is a good thing because that hope of reaching that dream makes us get up every day for work and bring little or big happiness to our life. I think without dream, people become cynical. It doesn't matter how long it will take but moving forward is important sometimes with going backward too. It is hard to know what is right, or correct. I am not sure if I am right or correct most of the time. I think you are doing just fine. Keep dreaming and moving towards it and sometimes going backward. Eventually you will reach it. I am not sure what I want to say or think because inside of my brain is quite messy like my chem lab. :-) Glad that you went to Yoga though. Oh, I didn't know Andrea is pregnant... Wow, congrats on her.
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