Tuesday, January 16, 2007

california freeways: back & forth

Today was one of those days…
where even the good goes wrong

And at the end of it
I realized that:
I have driven these California freeways
Back & forth

I have changed countries
With expectation, with hope

Yet, I haven’t find that place in the world
That I can call my own

Nor in my mind
Nor in my soul
There is no peace

There is not a state of mind
I can call home

I feel like a small boat
Drifting along life

And today
In spite of my family
In spite of my friends
I felt alone
My father told me to hope, and to dream, and to trust
My mother told me to be practical, and specific, and strict

I still follow my father’s heart, which is my nature
I am soft and easy to hurt and incredibly romantic for my own good
I usually take the bread of my mouth to give it to anyone
That smiles at me
I usually sacrifice myself, even more when there is no reason for
I always give away too fast all I have, and I usually end up with empty hands
I haven't learn my lesson, and I don't want to, anyway

I rather be giving and be fooled again
than hold on and being cold and not have given away

I have no secrets, I have no properties nor attachments that go
deeper than these empty words
my transparency gives me a real freedom
one that people don't seem to understand
a freedom I can't myself give an explanation for

As today, my father and I
We are both alone and holding a broken heart
Maybe my mother is right? And my friends?
I should be more practical, less of a dreamer,
Less dramatic, and less ridicule…

But then that person won’t be mine at all


I did the only thing I thought that was right at the end
Of this solitary day
I went to the gym and walked…
I stayed later to see the little kids on a swimming class
I thought that would distract my mind
And then
As the Rolling Stones said:
You might not always get what you want,
But you might find just what you need…

This older man about 50 with deep beautiful blue eyes came and sat next to me
He said:
Do you know that you have the prettiest face around here?
But also the saddest expression on it?

That made me smile, a sad half smile
But a smile

We talked for almost an hour
His 6 year old daughter was at the swimming class
He was surprised I was seated there since any of the kids were mine
I told him I just needed a place to rest my mind
And that if I went home I would have many distractions
We kept on chatting and I was surprised of with so much care and love he talked about his wife and his little daughter. One day, I still dream, a man will talk proudly about me, one day, I hope somebody will call me a dear companion for life, and he'll talk proudly of me, as his girl, one day, somebody, i will call somebody's arms, my home


But for today, I am drifting
In a California freeway
Back & forth
Back & forth

nights are always cold

The clever man cares for practical, for tangible
The poet screams again every-day: I don’t know… I don’t know…
and dies on day, usually, alone... I don't mind solitude
what I am afraid of is of a 'half-company', rather all alone
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