mote & migraine Wednesday

today i woke up with a bad headache
and an awful sinus pain
made it to work only to leave
a couple of hours later
after many pills (which i hate taking)
failed attempts of naps and
uncountable cups of tea
i feel a little better...

so, looking around the web
i found a Sonic Youth song/quote/post
on a German blog
and it reminded me of how much i loved this song
and how Sonic Youth was, and still is,
one of my favorite bands of all times
and how much i appreciate, specially all the songs
written and sung by Lee Ranaldo
my preferred poet of noise
so this is not migraine-curing music
but it's good to remember good old things of
one's youth, when feeling down
so here, enjoy Mote, strange video
and weird lovely noisy tunes
and some good obscure lyrics to scream to



[Lee]
When you see the spiral turning through alone
And you feel so heavy that you just can't stop it
When this sea of madness turns you into stone
Picture of your life shoots like a rocket
All the time

Put 'me' in the equation it's alright
I've seen you moving in and out of sight
My friends tell me it's all cut through you (?)
From nowhere - to nowhere
Cut together - cutting through

I'm island-bound, a mote inside my eye
I can't see you breathing as before
I am airless - a vacuum child
I can't stand to reason at your door
In this time

Put 'me' in the equation it's alright
I've seen you moving in and out of sight
My friends tell me it's all cut through you (?)
From nowhere - to nowhere
Come together

I'm down in the daytime out of sight
Comin' in from dreamland I'm on fire
I can see it's all been here before
Dream a dream that lies right at your door

When the seasons circle sideways out of turn
And words don't speak just fall across the carpet
You're just in time to watch the fires burn
It seems a crime but yr. face is bright you love it
All the time...

maladjusted

'It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.'
- J. Krishnamurti

Ps. mein Kopf tut weh
Pd. me duele la cabeza

the Prohibition era

a gray dull Sunday morning in San Diego
dealing here with my own prohibition era

after countless efforts to eradicate migraines
i've decided to follow the endless list prohibitions of
allopaths, and homeopaths,
of nutritionists, gynecologists, and neurologists,
acupuncturists, and chiropractors
warlocks, and even fortune tellers

i am stripped down to nothing...
cutting almost every substance of my diet
that could actually bring me some pleasure

no caffeine
no black nor green tea
no aged cheeses
no red (or any color for that matter) wine
no beer
no colored sodas or drinks
no condiments
no sugar
no salt
no vasoconstrictors
no vasodilators
no hyperventilation
no hypo-zest
no uppers
no downers
no giggles...
and all mostly sounds to me like
NO fun

so what's left of myself?
i am self-confessed smiling lazy hedonist
but my almost 40 years of indulgence
seem to be paying back
with excruciating headaches

and on this dull morning
it seems that all that is left
is to follow the rules of the good humans
of those who are good with rules and hard-working
and don't like to abuse substances or
anything for that matter
back to the world of light
to the world of the clean decent humans
who keep all their lives and pictures
and memories in well-classified little boxes
and that's not me!!
i get high on my little states of mind
i am an obsessive, unordered woman and highly addicted
to coffee, and teas, and to food, oh food!
and all that could bring instant pleasure to my life
hard-work? that's for people who enjoys it and i
mostly don't...

but here today
guess growing afraid of pain
i am controlling my old self
typing instead of inhaling
drawing timid smiles instead
of open laughs

guess, i can still keep two
of my oldest vices
the music, and to photograph

and well, los libros, the books
the words of brilliant authors
that even before the lust of pleasures
have enlighten my little soul

guess, i will have to comfort myself with that
and those

guess one day,
i had to clean-up my act
picking up the mess around...

now smile!
you are in my camera
and if you don't smile
you might get sick and prohibited as well
of this pleasures of life

migraine collie and the infinite sadness

just as my little life
started to take a wonderful shape again
things go wrong now in my head (literally)

i finally have a wonderful man
an adorable boyfriend who loves me endlessly
even if in the other side of the world
i have a wonderful mother
that even if a little crazy and feisty
cares for me every second
my father and half sister and brother
are healthy and in touch with my again
i have a 'non-profitable' job
but that provides enough for my humble life
i have a little white house
very small but enough for me

so all has been perfect
except these (and pardon the adjective)
fucking migraines

i have suffered migraines for many years now
but lately, oh lately
there are sooo strong, and more often
of course has to do a lot with my aging
and maybe with the misuses of my body
(3 tacos for 1 peso in Mexico City subway
used to be my lunch sometimes)
and so many times i have missed sleep
over work and over fun too
yet, for the past couple of years
i have eaten relatively healthy food
i have lived a relatively healthy life-style

the doctor says: hormonal changes, stress
i say: what can i do?
i don't really feel stressed
i don't really have worries or troubles
yet
since apparently the triggers for migraines
can be so many and diverse causes
at least i am trying to rule out foods now
today i was given an "elimination" diet
by my dietitian, a very bland mixture of foods
i will follow this diet for 10 days to 2 weeks
and then i will start adding 1 different ingredient
every day and see the reaction of my body
so i can figure out the causes of these migraines

for a while i have not drank beer (which i miss and love)
i haven't drink red wine either
and every day i enjoy less and less food
so this is becoming a very sad situation

i truly hope this diet helps me identify
what is wrong with my head
so i can go back to eat normally again

here my silly diet


and my very bland dinner, ah sighs...



and some very melancholic words
as i cooked tonight my dinner
an infinite sadness took over me
the sadness of not being able
to eat what i like
the sadness of feeling my brain deteriorate
with every migraine attack
the frustration of a bad health

and the sun sets
and i wish you were here to hug you
and the sun sets
and i just hope to feel happy
to feel Allegro Vivace one again!



i truly hope i can recover from this
horrible malady and if you are reading here
and feel healthy and love
just smile and be thankful
and take care of yourself and the ones you love
'cause health is not something one can buy
nor love, nor care, i have love and care
i am just waiting to recover my health

oh the moody title
from this oldy smashing pumpkins song



and to complete my frustration
i had tickets tonight to go to Los Angeles
to see My Bloody Valentine
one of the noisiest band of all times
i am soooo mad that 'cause of Tuesdays' migraine
i am not there, believe me is not just noise

migraine day

another semi-lost day
couldn't make it to work

migraine.migraine.migraine
{maddening symptoms}

and i say semi-lost
'cause the 2nd half of the day
felt slightly better
still headache and exhaustion
but was able to see

One Wonderful Sunday
post-II World War Kurosawa's film



a day-long relate on the life of two young
and very broke couple in Tokyo
a wonderful early white and white photography
and a lovely pair of young actors
and with the theme of the
Schubert's Unfinished Symphony
i felt like playing the piano again

please delight yourself
1' 30" is when the delight starts



maybe i will go buy myself a piano soon
maybe a used cheap small one
when i used to play piano as a kid
the 2nd piece i ever played 'live' in a recital
when i was 14, i think? was the theme
of this symphony, i guess that's why every time
i hear Schubert, i want to play one day again
serious old-fashioned classic piano
which the only kind of music i ever played
just Mozart, Chopin, and good old deaf Beethoven
the last piece i was studying before
industrial design university took over my life
was the Malageña of Lecuona
a classical for semi-advanced students
i didn't play it as well as this kid
and i still needed the music sheet
but oh well, surely these days i can barely
recognize printed music, but it would be
just so nice to do it again



OK it wasn't such a lost day after all
paranoia and worries come to my mind
for missing unexpectedly a day from work
but at least i watch a good film today
and got a distant dream recovered

and in a very different taste [mood]
but invariably when i fell victim
of a stupid migraine i remember
the adventures of the migraine boy